Scotland and the Catholic Church prove an unlikely Justice Team

In a surprisingly forward-thinking turn, the Catholic Church has publicly backed the Scottish government's new bill to crack down on abusive behaviour at football stadiums and in pubs. The so-called 'Offensive Behaviour at Football and Threatening Communications' bill has left the nation that pioneered fried-food-induced cardiac arrest shocked, confused and sobered, relatively speaking. The exhumed corpse of famed American writer Dr Seuss labelled the bill, 'muddled, obscure and offensively difficult to pronounce' before an unforeseen gust of wind scattered his loosely-clustered atoms.

The confusion surrounding the remit has resulted from the Scottish government's limp-dicked refusal to specify what exactly constitutes 'offensive behaviour', but fears that the bill might impinge on the rights of the public to hold inoffensive opinions and express them were dismissed as, 'lame'.

Opposition to the plan is widespread, particularly among fans of football and casual violence, which, after the last census in Scotland, was estimated to be 105% of the population. Grounds for opposition arose after an independent study found that suppression of raucous behaviour at football matches interfered with the male Scots’ mating ritual. And when prompted, Professional Gutter-Warmer Wallace MacGregor complained that ‘it took all the fun out of the sport’.

Pictured: An eligible mate.

The Catholic Church’s involvement began after a super-secret meeting between the Bishop of Parsley and First Minister Salmon-ed. After several hours of bitter complaint at the moral state of the world, the two decided to be the heroes Scotland deserved. Their initial plans to solve the problem of football hooliganism by beating anyone in a Celtic shirt to within an inch of their lives while dressed in matching spandex, fell through after the Bishop realised his credit at Joker’s Masquerade had run out. He also took the opportunity to reiterate that the Church was still not cool with the whole ‘same sex marriage thing’.