I'm now going to prove beyond reasonable doubt that the Grammy award-winning Black Eyed Peas outfit are the laziest sons of whores to ever hold wet fart contests over the mouths of producers and sell the recordings as pop music. They've been shitting in the ears of us all for years and I mean to destroy them. I'll be measuring the mathematical degree of shitness in their lyrics in three, easily quantifiable categories: Stupid, Gross and Repetitiven. They're all represented by the appropriate number of cartoon faces, Stupid is measured in Ralph Wiggums; Gross in Ursulas and Repetitiven in Slippys. Keep an eye out for the special Tragic Bonus, aces are low and always roll to save against Losing the Will to Live. Alright? Let's do this.
***
"Check it out, Check it out
What?
Check it out, Check it out, Check it out
What?
No you
Check it out, Check it out
What?"
What?
Check it out, Check it out, Check it out
What?
No you
Check it out, Check it out
What?"
(Party All The Time)
Stupid:
Gross:
Repetitiven:
Some people spend their whole lives examining the lyrics of their favourite songs, grasping for implied meanings or allegory. Good luck trying that here. You could spend your whole life on some of BEP's songs and not find any meaning, they're total violations of sense. I mean, what are they trying to do here? Set off their cyborg agent's secret self-destruct code?
"Girl, me and you were just fine (you know)
We wine and dine
Did them things that couples do when in love (you know)
Walks on the beach and stuff (you know)"
We wine and dine
Did them things that couples do when in love (you know)
Walks on the beach and stuff (you know)"
(Shut Up)
Stupid:
Gross:
Repetitiven:
Will.I.Am is such a pussy that he could dare The Punisher to a bare-knuckle boxing match in the tongue of Mordor and still sound like a hypochondriac begging for a pap smear.
"Fill up my cup (Drank)
Mozoltov (La' Chaim)
Look at her dancing (Move it Move it)
Just take it off"
(I Got A Feeling)
Stupid:
Gross:
Repetitiven:
When Google finally unveils its master plan to wipe out 75% of the population leaving only the brightest and best for its Utopia in the sky, having 'are any of Black Eyed Peas actually Jewish?' in my search history is exactly what they'll use to justify having me humanely destroyed.
"They always standing next to me,
Always dancing next to me,
Tryin' a feel my hump, hump.
Lookin' at my lump, lump."
Always dancing next to me,
Tryin' a feel my hump, hump.
Lookin' at my lump, lump."
(My Humps)
Stupid:
Gross:
Repetitiven:
When Fergie lifts a leg up, every divorce lawyer's eyes turn to dollar signs for miles around, and every gynaecologist shoots himself. What's more horrifying, is that she apparently doesn't mind attracting the kind of man that likes his deadbeat hookers to come with cancerous growths.
"Hello hello hello hello hello.Cause the girls want ding a ling a ling ling,
Ding a ling a ling ling, ding a ling a ling ling,
Ding a ling a ling ling, ding a ling.
Dam dam dang a lang"
(Ring-A-Ling)
Stupid:
Gross:
Repetitiven:
The saddest thing about the Black Eyed Peas is I thought the mentally disabled were meant to be lovable.
"Give it to me baby, yea, get off your stump
Brothers on the floor just wiggle your front"
Brothers on the floor just wiggle your front"
(Ba Bump)
Stupid:
Gross:
Repetitiven:
Fergie has so much semen on her breath that by the end of a gig, the roadies can't pack up her mic without a certified abortionist present.
"Chicks say, she ain't down
But chick backstage when we in town (ha)
She like man on drunk (fool)
She wanna hit n' run (errr)"
(Pump It)
Stupid:
Gross:
Repetitiven:
I didn't add that pause at the end, they really meant to say that. Called for Hesistation, am I right Just a Minute? Check and mate, Black Eyed Peas. This is actually starting to feel like torture now, I think they really do enjoy making those of us with human hearing and a primary school grasp of English suffer. Why else would they keep, fucking, coming back? It's not like they need the money or anything, by this point they must be suckled and fat on the collective pocket money of millions of morons. They can't just be in this for the money? Can they?
"I'm way out like NASA
I'm way over here I done past ya
I get stacks of cash, you get cashews,
I go hard, statues"
(The Hardest Ever)
Never mind.
