As long as there has been music in material form, there has been The Shuffle of Shame. Finding the wrong record in someone's collection can be as horrifying as finding 'monkey' bones in their basement. So in the spirit of openness and public humiliation, here are five songs I am utterly ashamed to admit that I adore.
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Avenged Sevenfold – Sidewinder
My metal phase was already cresting when I came across City of Evil, but it reinvigorated the genre for at least a few more months. M. Shadows and co rocked so hard during their brief career that the few remaining brain cells I have that actually survived Avenged’s debut album flinch every time someone says 'Bat Country'. Sidewinder is a more abstract shock to the system, with a Guns & Roses meets Ennio Morricone sound but like the rest of the record it serves double duty in terms of guilty reminders - bringing up bad memories of questionable fashion decisions as well as shoulder-length beatnik hair.
Genki Rockets – I Will
As far as J-Pop goes, Genki Rockets aren’t the most heinous band out there, although that is a lot like saying a horny tiger isn’t the worst thing you could find in your bathroom in the morning. Some of the most terrible crimes in music were committed when Japanese hands touched synthesisers. That’s not going to stop me loving this song, but I question my sanity when I sing along to it in public. The lyrics are so detestable sickly-sweet that listening to I Will comes with a severe risk of all your teeth falling out. ‘Unicorns unite’? Why do I do this to myself?
Madonna – Beautiful Stranger
Madonna is to a heterosexual what ethnic food is to Mel Gibson. It's just confusing when when you find the two together. And there is no way to justify liking Madonna other than her actual music. Straight men have no problem admitting they love girly pop stars, if they're attractive. It's a perfectly functional excuse to say you love Pixie Lott, if the confession comes with the addendum: I would plough her 'til next July. But Madonna doesn't have any sex appeal anymore. She's a terrible testament to what centuries of Pilates and contortionism can do to the human body. Plus, she was alive and sexually active during the eighties. To the vagina, that's kind of like being Vietnamese during the sixties. She's taken such a literal pounding that she probably can't piss without a funnel.
Chamillionaire – Ridin’
Chamillionaire has as much credibility in the hip-hop community as James Blunt. And I’m qualified to say that - I’m whiter than Larry King eating wonder bread. Liking this song is humiliating for so many reasons and the worst of which isn’t even Krayzie Bone sounding like he had a stroke halfway through his verse. No, it’s Weird Al Yankovich’s fault. His White & Nerdy parody destroyed its inspiration so utterly that I can’t even listen to the original without picturing an angular beanpole-human hybrid playing with Star Wars figurines. And when someone can make that sound tougher than your verse about absent-mindedly firing a handgun into the air, it might be time to give up rap and try your hand at ballet again. Chamillionaire clutches his purse tighter when he walks past Barack Obama. REAL TALK.
Britney Spears – Toxic
I’m so sorry.
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William feels like Lindsey Lohan, as in, filled with hot, white shame. You can compound this through the medium of Facebook, follow him on Twitter or read the adulterated version of this article when it's posted on the Redbrick Website on Friday.
