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| Now, is it the red tube? Or blue? Shit. I really shouldn't have taken all those pills at med school. How lucky are you feeling, buddy? |
The doctor is in. And though he may not have one of those fancy-pants real doctorates, he does have something his competitors don't: a sense of humour and a litre and a half of budget bourbon. Yes, that is two things. Thankfully we can strike basic arithmetic off his list of things.
Remember, if you have an issue you'd like Dr. Gintang to address, just stand in front of a mirror at midnight on the night of a blood moon and intone his name three times.
Let the advice commence!
[NB: As before, all of these questions are from real people with real problems that apparently they really asked a complete stranger about.]
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David from Lincoln asks:'Dear Dr.,
I have recently moved into a townhouse. It is lovely except for my next door neighbors. They are a pair of lawyers who are savvy about staying within the letter of the law and pushing the townhouse association’s rules.
They have annoying behaviours such as claiming unassigned parking spaces in such a way that puts the rest of us at a disadvantage. They drive their motorcycles off their patios, filling our homes with exhaust and noise, and leave on bright floodlights for nights on end, which lights up my window and is annoying.
The other neighbours have adjusted to this pair’s limit bending. I seem to be the neighbour most affected by their behaviours. Is there anything I can do? I'm about ready to lose my mind, it just isn't fair.'
Dr. Gintang says:
Now David,
I don't want to say this is what you get for moving in next to lawyers but this is exactly what you get when you move in next to lawyers.
As you have already (and I can't stress how fucking boringly enough) mentioned, the problem when fighting the Man, is that he has the law on his side. The way to fight back is to ambush your enemy with your Orphic knowledge of planning law.
Here's a good way to start: Did you know that it is, according to the Lex Vicinus Bitchpiss, perfectly legal to take a roaring, public shit on your neighbour's doorstep if they've given you suitable cause? Neither did they.
Hope this has answered your question.
Fight the power.
Dr. G.
As you have already (and I can't stress how fucking boringly enough) mentioned, the problem when fighting the Man, is that he has the law on his side. The way to fight back is to ambush your enemy with your Orphic knowledge of planning law.
Here's a good way to start: Did you know that it is, according to the Lex Vicinus Bitchpiss, perfectly legal to take a roaring, public shit on your neighbour's doorstep if they've given you suitable cause? Neither did they.
Hope this has answered your question.
Fight the power.
Dr. G.
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Charles from Hoxton asks:'Dear Dr.,
I am twenty years old. I have the opportunity to work as a silent partner in fake ID production shop for the local college students. In exchange for a small capital investment and access to some of my contacts, I can own 40% of what could be a very lucrative business.
I would want to be to be a silent partner with absolutely no paper trail linking me to the business. I think this fake ID business could be a gold mine. What do you think of the problems it could present?
Dr. Gintang says:
Dear Charles,
I can't believe you bothered to write in with this of course it's an excellent idea with absolutely no possible negative reprucussions. I can't think of any problems it could present. I can think of opportunities though. Lusciously-juicy opportunities that should be turning your pupils to dollar signs not making you run sobbing to me, an online agony aunt to ask if it's ok.
Also, what's this nonsense about leaving no paper trail? You always, always leave a paper trail dammit otherwise how will you be able to rub it in bitches' faces when they say 'ya can't afford it honey'? What would you do? Drag them to the nearest ATM and show them your balance? Once bitches start badmouthing your credit history in the street it's a slippery slope, my friend.
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Aggie from Milton Keynes asks:
'Dear Dr.,I love my partner dearly but I can't cope with his aversion to soap and water and clean clothing. He wasn't like this when I first knew him. He lives in my house and helps with the bills but I hate him being in my bed because quite frankly, he smells.
The idea of sex with him is abhorrent for the same reason. I've tried dropping hints and also just being direct but nothing works. I don't want to ask him to leave but I will have to if he can't respect me enough to spend five minutes a day in the shower. He has enough time to spend 4 hours a day in the pub when I'm at work. Any suggestions? Many thanks.
Dr. Gintang says:
Dear Aggie,
You know, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's a clean freak. You guys are the worst. Always up in our grills about changing clothes every month and washing our sheets every year, where do you get off? If you wanted to be regularly fucked by a washing machine, they have adaptable cycles you know.
Why is cleanliness such a big deal anyway? You could put your panties through the most vigorous sanitary programme possible and they'd still harbour more micro-organisms than a clumsy, hyper-allergenic Biology student's Petri dish experiment.
Luckily, I have the perfect response to your bitch girlfriend's question, Aggie's boyfriend. Just remind her that her chopping board harbours more bacteria than her toilet seat and she'll be too busy screaming to ever bother you again.
Hope this has answered your question.
Dr. G.
Lucy from Croydon asks:
'Dear Dr.,
I'm ready to find love this Christmas, but always end up going out with the same friends, who are partnered up. I'm wary of online dating sites, so what else can I do to meet someone dishy in time for a New Year's kiss?'
You know, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's a clean freak. You guys are the worst. Always up in our grills about changing clothes every month and washing our sheets every year, where do you get off? If you wanted to be regularly fucked by a washing machine, they have adaptable cycles you know.
Why is cleanliness such a big deal anyway? You could put your panties through the most vigorous sanitary programme possible and they'd still harbour more micro-organisms than a clumsy, hyper-allergenic Biology student's Petri dish experiment.
Luckily, I have the perfect response to your bitch girlfriend's question, Aggie's boyfriend. Just remind her that her chopping board harbours more bacteria than her toilet seat and she'll be too busy screaming to ever bother you again.
Hope this has answered your question.
Dr. G.
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Lucy from Croydon asks:
'Dear Dr.,
I'm ready to find love this Christmas, but always end up going out with the same friends, who are partnered up. I'm wary of online dating sites, so what else can I do to meet someone dishy in time for a New Year's kiss?'
Dr. Gintang says:
Dear Lucy,
Did you know that suicide rates are higher at this time of year than any other? Or, wait was it incidence of domestic violence that's higher? Hey no it's totally both! Yeah you can't win. Your options seem to be finding some fresh meat for New Year's and getting brained with a casserole dish when he realises how much of a humourless bitch you are or spending the festive season alone and braining yourself with a casserole dish.
Maybe you should just go get blitzed with these friends of yours and blitzed enough that they'd consider a swinger's party.
Hope this has answered your question.
Season's Greetings,
Season's Greetings,
Dr. G.
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