Dr. Gintang: Online Agony Aunt #2

Now, is it the red tube? Or blue? Shit. I really shouldn't have taken all those pills at med school. How lucky are you feeling, buddy?

The doctor is in. And though he may not have one of those fancy-pants real doctorates, he does have something his competitors don't: a sense of humour and a litre and a half of budget bourbon. Yes, that is two things. Thankfully we can strike basic arithmetic off his list of things.

Remember, if you have an issue you'd like Dr. Gintang to address, just stand in front of a mirror at midnight on the night of a blood moon and intone his name three times.

Let the advice commence!

[NB: As before, all of these questions are from real people with real problems that apparently they really asked a complete stranger about.]

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David from Lincoln asks:
'Dear Dr.,

I have recently moved into a townhouse. It is lovely except for my next door neighbors. They are a pair of lawyers who are savvy about staying within the letter of the law and pushing the townhouse association’s rules.

They have annoying behaviours such as claiming unassigned parking spaces in such a way that puts the rest of us at a disadvantage. They drive their motorcycles off their patios, filling our homes with exhaust and noise, and leave on bright floodlights for nights on end, which lights up my window and is annoying.

The other neighbours have adjusted to this pair’s limit bending. I seem to be the neighbour most affected by their behaviours. Is there anything I can do? I'm about ready to lose my mind, it just isn't fair.'

Dr. Gintang says:

Now David,

I don't want to say this is what you get for moving in next to lawyers but this is exactly what you get when you move in next to lawyers.

As you have already (and I can't stress how fucking boringly enough) mentioned, the problem when fighting the Man, is that he has the law on his side. The way to fight back is to ambush your enemy with your Orphic knowledge of planning law.

Here's a good way to start: Did you know that it is, according to the Lex Vicinus Bitchpiss, perfectly legal to take a roaring, public shit on your neighbour's doorstep if they've given you suitable cause? Neither did they.

Hope this has answered your question.

Fight the power.

Dr. G.

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Charles from Hoxton asks:
'Dear Dr.,

I am twenty years old. I have the opportunity to work as a silent partner in fake ID production shop for the local college students. In exchange for a small capital investment and access to some of my contacts, I can own 40% of what could be a very lucrative business.

I would want to be to be a silent partner with absolutely no paper trail linking me to the business. I think this fake ID business could be a gold mine. What do you think of the problems it could present?

Dr. Gintang says:

Dear Charles, 

I can't believe you bothered to write in with this of course it's an excellent idea with absolutely no possible negative reprucussions. I can't think of any problems it could present. I can think of opportunities though. Lusciously-juicy opportunities that should be turning your pupils to dollar signs not making you run sobbing to me, an online agony aunt to ask if it's ok.

Also, what's this nonsense about leaving no paper trail? You always, always leave a paper trail dammit otherwise how will you be able to rub it in bitches' faces when they say 'ya can't afford it honey'? What would you do? Drag them to the nearest ATM and show them your balance? Once bitches start badmouthing your credit history in the street it's a slippery slope, my friend.

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Aggie from Milton Keynes asks:

'Dear Dr.,

I love my partner dearly but I can't cope with his aversion to soap and water and clean clothing. He wasn't like this when I first knew him. He lives in my house and helps with the bills but I hate him being in my bed because quite frankly, he smells.

The idea of sex with him is abhorrent for the same reason. I've tried dropping hints and also just being direct but nothing works. I don't want to ask him to leave but I will have to if he can't respect me enough to spend five minutes a day in the shower. He has enough time to spend 4 hours a day in the pub when I'm at work. Any suggestions? Many thanks.

Dr. Gintang says:

Dear Aggie,

You know, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's a clean freak. You guys are the worst. Always up in our grills about changing clothes every month and washing our sheets every year, where do you get off? If you wanted to be regularly fucked by a washing machine, they have adaptable cycles you know.

Why is cleanliness such a big deal anyway? You could put your panties through the most vigorous sanitary programme possible and they'd still harbour more micro-organisms than a clumsy, hyper-allergenic Biology student's Petri dish experiment.

Luckily, I have the perfect response to your bitch girlfriend's question, Aggie's boyfriend. Just remind her that her chopping board harbours more bacteria than her toilet seat and she'll be too busy screaming to ever bother you again.

Hope this has answered your question.

Dr. G.

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Lucy from Croydon asks:
'Dear Dr.,

I'm ready to find love this Christmas, but always end up going out with the same friends, who are partnered up. I'm wary of online dating sites, so what else can I do to meet someone dishy in time for a New Year's kiss?'

Dr. Gintang says:

Dear Lucy,

Did you know that suicide rates are higher at this time of year than any other? Or, wait was it incidence of domestic violence that's higher? Hey no it's totally both! Yeah you can't win. Your options seem to be finding some fresh meat for New Year's and getting brained with a casserole dish when he realises how much of a humourless bitch you are or spending the festive season alone and braining yourself with a casserole dish.

Maybe you should just go get blitzed with these friends of yours and blitzed enough that they'd consider a swinger's party.

Hope this has answered your question.

Season's Greetings,

Dr. G.

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Dr. Gintang: Online Agony Aunt #1

The most common question I get asked is: 'who are you and what are you doing in my kitchen?' Usually posed in an all-in-one breath, panicky kind of way. Like: 'whoareyouandwhatareyoudoinginmykitchen?!' And usually followed by 'ohmygodwhatareyoudoingtomypeanutbutter?!' The point is, as someone who spends most of their time and exhausts most effort on the internet, I have a lot of salient advice to give. I've been doing it for months (See: Figures A, B and C), but have just now decided that broaching general topics wasn't getting me very far. From up here on this high horse it still looks like most of you are awful at much of everything.

That's why, in all due accordance with my community service, I'll be taking specific questions sent in by you: nobody and answering them as me: Dr. Gintang (Spaceman was taken). If you have a question, and it can be on anything mind, anything at all, I will not give two shits, please send them in the usual way by smearing them in blood on your walls.

Please remember, Dr. Gintang cannot be held accountable for you being a pussy and not liking his response. Also note, that this is an advice column. Dr. Gintang will provide suggestions as to how to improve your situation, not an ultimatum. So if his advice is to go swallow everything in your medicine cupboard, remember, it is only advisable that you comply.


[Fun fact: All of these 'problems' are taken from genuine agony aunt columns. Obviously, the names are fabricated, so if any of these cases resemble real people, alive or dead, stop being so damn paranoid.]

[Fun fact 2: All of Dr. Gintang's advice is more useful than the real agony aunts'. He also uses punctuation.]

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Josie from Cheshire asks:
'Dear Dr. Gintang,

My sex life has dwindled from doing it every day to never doing it at all, and we’ve only just turned 30.

I’ve tried talking to my boyfriend about it, and buying sexy underwear and sex toys. I try to initiate sex but I’ve stopped dressing up now because I’m afraid of rejection and feel like a fool.

He says to me, “I just don’t want sex any more,” but I do. I miss the intimacy. What can I do?'

Dr. Gintang says:

Dear Josie,

Have you considered the possibility that this is revenge for you being such a frigid bitch up until now? Are you so power hungry that the only way you can get in the mood is if you're the only one with the authority to initiate pounding? 

Have you also considered the possibility that he no longer finds you attractive and/or is parking his dong in something less megalomanical? Here's an easy way to find out - schedule a threesome and if during, he looks at you and withers like a daffodil in December, buy a Rampant Rabbit and prepare for a lifetime of sexual starvation. 

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Kate from Teddington asks:

'Dear Dr.,

I’ve just found out he [my partner] has another family. When I met my partner two years ago he said he was divorced with two teenage sons. We now have a beautiful baby. Recently I discovered an old profile of his on Friends Reunited, which stated that he had been married twice and had a five-year-old child.

When I confronted him, he denied that it was him. His sister refused to tell me anything but eventually admitted it was true but that he had no contact with his ex-wife or child. She made me promise not to tell my partner that she had told me. Should I tell him that I know and alienate his family?'

Dr. Gintang says:

Dear Kate,

Haha, seriously? If he managed to keep a whole family secret, imagine what else he could be keeping from you. Look I'm not going to sugarcoat this, you've almost certainly just had a beautiful Aryan baby with a Nazi war criminal whose been in hiding the last few decades. You're clearly a sucker for the Silberfüchse.

More importantly, do you feel, you know, ethically, that it was alright to go snooping through his Friends Reunited profile? Was Goebbels on there? Because I bet he's still out there. I have this theory that he just changed his name to Uwe Boll and kept producing films. 

I get this feeling that you're slightly resentful that this guy has knocked up at least two other women. Don't be. Clearly, he's still got the old Wehrmacht marksmanship. 

Hope this has answered your question. 

Dr. G.

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Danielle from Newcastle asks:

'Dear Dr.,

I have been feeling really down about my weight for some time. I used to be 13st 11lbs, I have lost 1st and that's all I seem to be able to lose. I have been with [a] personal trainer and done Slimming World but I have stopped going as for the past couple of months they don't seem to be working. 

Due to the weight not moving I have started to become disheartened and in turn started eating junk food which in turn makes it worse. I just can't seem to get motivated again to try and lose this last stone that I would like to lose. 

Also, I have a partner who will just sit there and eat chocolate and junk in front of me. I can't talk to him about it as he just gets in [a] mood and says "well I'm not the one who is trying to lose weight."'

Dr. Gintang says:

Dear Danielle,

Sorry I wasn't paying attention to the last bit, god this pop tart is sooooo good. Right, yes. Yes. Well, weight is a delicate issue to deal with. Fatties get all sensitive when you try to address it. I remember this one time one of you people got upset when I said I wouldn't look them directly in the face because I didn't want to fall in. Can you believe that?

The only advice I can really give here, seeing as I maintain the body of a Classical Athenian bronze statue with no effort whatsoever, is that the only secret to dieting is, there is no fucking secret. And the reason there are so many dieting programs is the same reason there are so many religions. Everyone's wrong, but the question is, how stupid do you want to look going out? 

Your boyfriend seems to have the right idea. When people diet, they get this ridiculous idea that everyone around them should be suffering as they are. 

Hope this answered your question. 

Dr. G.

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Neil from Cardiff asks:

'Dear Dr.,

I'm 19 years old and my best mate is the same age. We have known each other for years but he moved away and has now moved back and I think he likes me. Sometimes he acts distant and when we're alone he brushes against my hand. 

Since he has came back I realised that I am attracted to him. I'm a lad too and I'm so confused when we are together I do stuff that I wouldn't do with girl mates like sleep in the same bed or change in the same cubical at the swimming pool and I find myself brushing against him too. 

I have feelings for him but I dont want to make a move because I don't want to ruin our friendship and he has a girlfriend and a baby on the way. Please help.'

Dr. Gintang says:

Dear Neil,

W-wow. You people really get yourselves into some tight pickles. And when I say 'you people' I mean everyone. But I'm sure you people like the sound of tight pickles. 

Well, Jesus where to start? Firstly, this guy's 19 and has a baby on the way? You're still sleeping in the same beds and getting excited by 'brushing up against' each other. You guys don't sound like you're ready for puberty let alone a child. Are you even sure his girlfriend's really pregnant? Because you can't impregnate someone by dry-humping, you know. Urgh. I bet you three flirt like kids at Christian camp. 

Also, are you sure he isn't in the closet? There was a time when having a wife and kids was empirical proof that you were gay. If he was, perhaps you could try tempting him out? I don't know what you guys like, err, campness? Musicals? ...Tapas? I'm out of my league here. You could move to New York maybe, that makes everyone either gay, Jewish or both, I think.

This is kind of pointless actually. If you touch men like you touch your keyboard, judging by the schizophrenic septic tank of a message you sent, he could do better than you. 

Good luck anyway.

Dr. G.

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That's all we've got time for today, but remember, if you have a question for Dr. Gintang, write it in burning oil and send him a PrtSc of it on Google Earth.