Welcome back to I'm So Sorry. The blog that defies all expectations by still existing.
With another year cast into the yawning chasm of time, let's take a moment to remember just how awful it was. Labour MP Ed Balls gave the nation his best over-inflated Alec Baldwin sex doll impression on Strictly Come Dancing only to be topped by the internet's greatest cynics' dancing on the mass graves of seemingly all likeable celebrities. Also several other things happened including in the world of video games. Where bombs falling and priceless historic artifact loss are a given, not news.
Least likeable millennials
Winner: Watch Dogs 2
The first Watch Dogs was hyped up the butt and then, in a perfectly appropriate fashion, played like seventeen hours of unedited colonoscopy footage. Boring and shit. I started slow for ya.
So the developers went back, drank heavily and reappraised the game desperately trying to reverse engineer the problem. Without understanding of course, that Watch Dogs had more problems than gameplay gimmicks and was only made of those. Eventually settling on the protagonist. That had to be the issue. Right?
So instead of the emotionless vigilante dullard that murdered policemen, robbed ATMs and violated traffic codes too numerous to mention in the name of social justice that we got the first time, this year, it was a bright-eyed, relatable young lad committing all the first-degree murder and so on.
In fact there's a whole stable of pedigree ethnic minorities to smash the system with. All of whom equally convinced that large-scale digital sabotage is an appropriate response to getting slapped with community service. It's like Scooby & The Gang except there're no white people, everyone speaks exclusively in memes and they're actually all in their thirties and trying to sound like children. So I guess it's actually more like Grease. But with hax0r.
Fucking, young people, amirite?
Lowest hunting to gathering ratio
Winner: Far Cry Primal
Collecting random bits of garbage around the game environment for the purposes of crafting it into something useable has become one of gaming's most endemic design gimmicks. And in what you could charitably call Ubisoft's 2016 'addendum' to its open-world franchise, Far Cry Primal, you play a murderer who isn't fussy about the species of his victims so long as he can skin them afterwards. And its during the Stone Age. So the crafting made much more sense than usual, it being cavemen's whole schtick and all. However.
The sheer amount of Neanderthalic detritus you needed in this land before storytelling just to be a functioning force of natural selection is, ironically, biblical. I spent more time gathering twigs than scraping my innards off mammoth tusks. When I closed the game it took me actual minutes to remember I wasn't a beaver. They could have called it Far Cry Composting.
Winner: Far Cry Primal
Collecting random bits of garbage around the game environment for the purposes of crafting it into something useable has become one of gaming's most endemic design gimmicks. And in what you could charitably call Ubisoft's 2016 'addendum' to its open-world franchise, Far Cry Primal, you play a murderer who isn't fussy about the species of his victims so long as he can skin them afterwards. And its during the Stone Age. So the crafting made much more sense than usual, it being cavemen's whole schtick and all. However.
The sheer amount of Neanderthalic detritus you needed in this land before storytelling just to be a functioning force of natural selection is, ironically, biblical. I spent more time gathering twigs than scraping my innards off mammoth tusks. When I closed the game it took me actual minutes to remember I wasn't a beaver. They could have called it Far Cry Composting.
Most South African name
Winner: Titanfall 2
Video games share many of the same challenges as movies including race politics. So while Englishmen, Nazis, demons, zombies and English Nazi Demon Zombies (the worst kind) remain ethically safe choices for writers as antagonists, other assignations are not, without naming names. Which is the whole point.
South Africans, mercenaries and South African mercenaries have also been slowly creeping into villaintown recently making notable appearances in Matt Damon Exo-nerdathon Elysium and Uncharted 4: A Thief's End this very year in fact. And also in Titanfall 2. Led by the preposterously evil-sounding Kuben Blisk. A man who lived up to the malevolence of his name because his every utterance sounded like all the world's worst racial epithets rolled into one and multiplied by the C-word cubed.
South Africans, mercenaries and South African mercenaries have also been slowly creeping into villaintown recently making notable appearances in Matt Damon Exo-nerdathon Elysium and Uncharted 4: A Thief's End this very year in fact. And also in Titanfall 2. Led by the preposterously evil-sounding Kuben Blisk. A man who lived up to the malevolence of his name because his every utterance sounded like all the world's worst racial epithets rolled into one and multiplied by the C-word cubed.
Broest bros bro/steamiest homoerotic undertones
Winner: Final Fantasy 15
After a hard day's slouching resentfully in the backseat of your royal supercar while your personal chef and chauffeur drives you to the next town in need of a pest controller who's also first heir to the throne, what better way is there to relax than making camp in an isolated area where no-one's going to hear all the rigorous sex you'll be having with your royal retinue? At least that's what crossed my mind every time a day passed during Final Fantasy 15.
Inspired most pornography
Winner: Overwatch
Blizzard's first attempt to make a video game for normal people was successful in many directions including visually. Its simple, colourful art and personable characters proved a hit for players and masturbators alike but its difficult enough to play Tracer with her shallow health pool and splashy guns without having to fight an erection at the same time.
Inspired most pornography
Winner: Overwatch
Blizzard's first attempt to make a video game for normal people was successful in many directions including visually. Its simple, colourful art and personable characters proved a hit for players and masturbators alike but its difficult enough to play Tracer with her shallow health pool and splashy guns without having to fight an erection at the same time.
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