6 Tips on giving a great Presentation (on something you know nothing about).

There comes a time in the career of every student, young professional or cocaine dealer when you'll have no choice but to stand in front of a group of peers, colleagues or jury members and talk about something for an extended period of time. Naturally, this can be rather intimidating, after all, you hate most of those arseholes not to mention the fact that you have almost no clue what you're supposed to be talking about or why. So I decided to compile a brief collection of pointers to help you on your way.
[DISCLAIMER: using almost any of these in a real world situation will result in complete and utter, hilarity. Fair warning.]

1. Dutch Courage
An absolutely indispensable course of action just prior to your presentation is drinking. The state medically referred to as 'two-drinks-drunk' will impart a pleasant buzz, loosen your tongue and allow you to more effectively engage with your audience, as we all know: a little light banter never hurt anyone. However, be wary, choose your beverage with care as different drinks (especially spirits) can often result in radically different moods. Whiskey for example, is an unwise choice, as it leaves the drinker in a mild state of murderous, irrational rage and removes all indication of tact or diplomacy. Where gin on the other hand, leaves the drinker brimming with self pity and traps them in maudlin apathy. Naturally, neither are conducive to presenting information with clarity. Absinthe is ideal though.

Mr Franklin? Is that really such a good idea? I mean, you have to talk to HR in 2 minutes.

2. Know The Software
Nine times out of ten, it will be Microsoft Powerpoint that you'll use to give visual aids to your presentation. While no one would deny (apart from Steve Jobs and every hipster oxygen-thief in Starbucks) that it's great software, allowing you to easily set up basic animations, flowcharts and anything else you could want to complement your script, it's important to remember, that Powerpoint hates you. It will take every possible oppurtunity to fuck you over, steal your car and impregnate your wife, so, just be prepared for that I guess. Bring a gun you can threaten it with or something.

3. Know Your Audience

I can tell you now, your audience is a screaming pack of morons. Most need to be fitted with a helmet before using a door and you'd be hard pressed to find someone among them capable of drooling and chewing their shoelaces at the same time. Therefore, make sure you aim the information you're plying low, real low. Avoid polysyllabic words (such as polysyllabic) and take generous pauses between sentences so they have time to really digest what you're saying. You could throw in a dick joke too occasionally, imbeciles love dick jokes. 

...and that's why getting fired is a bad thing. Any questions? No. I don't think it's worth going over it a 3rd time.

4. Respect Your Fellow Presenters

Being able to work in a team is important, but not as important as being able to tolerate the truly insufferable jackasses you're often saddled with to do this kind of thing. But be considerate, chances are they hate you almost as much as you do them. You'll probably be asked to stand when presenting, but a simple act of generosity like getting a chair for your female co-presenter/s can be very beneficial, especially for the woman. As standing upright for long periods of time puts a lot of strain on their brittle bird bones. At the very least, keep your attempts to derail your peers or colleagues as subtle as possible, if it looks like they're on to you, just lean in and remind that pussy that snitches get stitches. 

5. Not Preparing For The Worst
Something will go wrong, let me just say that now (wait, should I have pointed something like that out earlier? It would definitely have given the rest of this some context) and there's no way to actually plan for every eventuality. Which is a great excuse to not worry about it. I mean, how were you supposed to anticipate that fat chick in the break room next door having a coronary? Or all those hallucinogens in the coffee leading you to believe you were Yoko Ono?

As you can see by this squiggly shit here: I dropped two acid tabs half an hour ago.

6. Dealing With The Worst
What did I tell you? You fucked up, but at this point how or why is irrelevant, you need to deal with this. What?  No you have fucked up. You know how I know? That guy in the corner smiling and nodding. Say again? Oh. Yeah I bugged your apartment, I can hear you through your speakers. How else am I going to know what advice to give you on your screwed up life? Jesus. Have a little gratitude. Anyway, if you see someone beaming back at you from the audience, all eager to hear more about Monthly Profit Margins or Carthaginian Trade Routes or whatever the hell you're supposed to be talking about, panic. He/she is just mentally filing away all the ways in which your presentation is laughably inadequate and the smug prick is loving it. The best way to deal with this is to keep struggling on, but focus all your energy on keeping eye contact with the offender. Really let them see the bloodlust in your eyes and leave them wondering just what terrible, godless atrocities you have planned for them after this seminar or whatever is over.

There won't be enough of you left to bury. Your hair will be my trophy. 

Dark Souls - Preview: Gaming Masochism Isn't Dead

If there's one thing hardcore gamers love to bitch about, its how easy games are getting. Well one release in 2010 shut any of them up that happened to own PS3s for a while. That game, was Demon's Souls, an RPG so punishingly difficult it left grown men weeping. Now, developers FromSoftware have confirmed a spiritual successor - Dark Souls - and promised that, yes, it would be even harder.

Demon's Souls was a highly tactical action RPG set in a decayed fantasy world. It was heavy on the oppressive atmosphere which nicely accompanied the horrifying notion that you couldn't walk 10 feet without something rotten and terrifying in all likelihood, popping out and killing you. Worse, every death in the game was tracked, stripping you of all your souls (the game's universal currency) each time and actually making enemies tougher if you bought it too often. Critics assured gamers that this was a lot more fun than it sounded because it made success exponentially more rewarding for the cautious and persistent.

Even to the surprise of the developers (who seemed to be vaguely aware that the game gave the impression it was all a sick joke), Demon's Souls sold really well, especially in Japan. And on February 1st announced that they were working on a sequel, though it would not continue the plot. Obviously, there are still gamers out there who just love being fucked with but I'm not complaining, because the first leaks of gameplay from successor Dark Souls make it look like one of the most exciting titles due for release this year.

Dark Soul's setting is as yet unnamed, but has a distinctly Medieval Europe look about it: imposing Gothic castles and fortresses, ancient forests and rugged mountainous areas have so far been revealed. Enemy models are equal parts awe-inspiring and terrifying. The standard high fantasy archetypes prevalent in the first game (skeleton knights, zombies and the like) seem to have been toned down in favour of diseased and mutated versions of the local wildlife.

Case in horrible, horrible point.

Lighting and textures have been given an overhaul, so these oppressive environments and intimidating enemies are all dazzlingly well realised. Its predecessor was praised for the extent and believability of its animations particularly on the main character which have also carried over nicely. And there are a few more graphical nuances this time around, like motion blur effects which are visible in the debut trailer when a  player got nailed by what looked like an armoured rhino.

Trial and error was your one guiding light in Demon's Souls: learning enemy placement, weaknesses and trap locations was paramount. My only worry at this point with the sequel, is that the original was delicately balanced. It was tough, but not cheap. Making a point to openly announce that Dark Soul's would be more difficult was risky, if they're forced to follow through on that then they may have no choice but to approach the game sadistically. They've already openly admitted there would be areas of the game where players had, and I fucking quote: "no chance". And also that they're employing a similar system where if you die you have one chance to get back to the same place and recover your souls. This could potentially tip players over the edge to the point that they feel victimised by the game, which would poison the whole experience. Also, how forcing players back to the start of the level in order to try again will work with their new open-world design is a mystery.

Demon's Souls' hub and five main areas are gone. Replaced by a seamless world which you can explore in any fashion you choose. Instead of returning to a hub area to upgrade you skills/buy new weapons/cry at the unfairness of it all the player is able to start up their own camps, like safehouses. But there are no safe areas outside these and the area the game opens in. For example, during a demo, a player engaged an ogre-like creature that strongly resembled one of theenemies from Shadow of the Colossus (only on a much smaller scale). They attempted to escape it by fleeing to higher ground, only to be followed. From the looks of it, enemy AI will be fucking diabolical especially if they're able to follow you anywhere. There goes the option to run then.

This is unavoidable isn't it? Can't we just talk through our problems like reasonable adults?

Not much info on gameplay has been released. But players will have the ability to use the environment to their advantage this time. During the same mini-boss fight, the player managed to leap down from a ledge to stab the ogre in the back. FromSoftware promised that doing so wasn't scripted and that any attack from elevation would result in some sweet damage bonuses. Another cursory attempt to give you an easier time are the 100s of weapons and spells to find and master. But the whole point of Dark Souls is going to be the almost insurmountable challenge, and it's one I'm looking forward to trying.

Deus Ex: Human Revolution - A (gushing) Preview

My personally most anticipated shooter of 2011 (exact date of release still pending following its March 8th delay) is shaping up to be something very special indeed, despite (or perhaps because of) showing a marked resemblance to Bethesda's U.S. wasteland RPG, Fallout 3. Plot, setting and art design take major cues from sci-fi staple Blade Runner and anime series Ghost in the Shell (more on that later), but in terms of gameplay and level design, the similarities are extensive.

It is stunning however, with luscious lighting and dystopian details. A far cry from Fallout's muddy nuclear textures.

Not that that's a bad thing, Fallout was a game about choice - a very common ethic in RPGs these days thanks to Bioware but it also made its way into shooter genres as well. The attempt to give consequence to play action was streamlined by a morality system which could give players a quantified idea of their progress and visual cues through NPC interaction: if they look like they don't like you, chances are you've made some morally dubious decisions recently. Oddly, Deus Ex is lacking in that department, with no morality-meter you're left in a permanent state of ethical 'greyness', which is a pleasant change of pace.

This is not a grand tale of post-Apocalyptic adventure, or a dramatic Space Opera but a jaded man's attempt to uncover corporate conspiracy. Granted it's world-wide (and the world in this case is certainly futuristic but still believable) in scope but you're not a hero in the traditional sense. It makes sense for such a main character to remain emotionally distant and Machiavellian, without Government backing he needs to make constantly difficult decisions that would benefit him personally in his quest and as far as possible, disregard the inevitable collateral damage. And that character is Adam Jenson. As private security he's hired to protect an experimental biotechnology lab, which is subsequently attacked leaving Adam mortally wounded.

It's worth noting at this point that Human Revolution is the third Deus Ex game and a prequel to the events of the first. The original was a much loved, complex and dynamic shooter set in a world where nanomachine technology had reached extraordinary heights. As a prequel by some decades, Human Revolution's world has yet to discover/implement this technology and the preferred method of body modification is by overt mechanical attachments in much the same vein as Ghost in the Shell or I, Robot. Conveniently, the lab Adam gets riddled with holes in at the outset of the game, is one specialising in these cutting-edge prosthetic enhancements. So not only is Jenson fixed up but he's gifted with new arms (that can bust through concrete walls and sprout lethal blades), eyes and other accoutrements. This provides the fundamental aspect of the gameplay.

Expect plenty of this.

At first glance, DE:HR looks like your average FPS but Eidos Montreal have taken much the same approach to Bethesda and Bioware in that you'll spend as much time hacking terminals, engaging in conversation with NPCs and exploring environments as squeezing the trigger. You're various augmentations can and will have to be systematically upgraded, not just to better wade through hoards of super-soldiers and mechs but to better accomplish all the other tasks above. It treads a fine line between RPG and shooter, you'll need an itchy index finger and caffeine-addict reaction time just as much as a tenacious attitude to grinding and resource farming.

It's the developers' approach to choice that marks this out as more exciting an idea than usual and they displayed that most effectively with their PAX 2010 demo. Adam's objective was simple, enter a guarded area and set off a bomb. First though, you'd have to get past the gate and into the complex. The most obvious way to achieve that would be to pull out your biggest firearm and go in blasting, but you could also try to sneak past the guard using optical camouflage; hack the security robots to cause a distraction for you; attempt to sweet-talk the guard; jump the fence or find a gap. The developer went with the last option, but to do so had to move a large crate in order to access the gap, which they did by upgrading Adam's ability to lift heavy objects. Human Revolution's biggest draw for me is not just the availability of all these options, but the fact that there's no morality system preventing you from experimenting with them. Bioware games are particularly bad for this, forcing you to be consistent in play style and actively punishing players that try to tow a moral grey area but DE:HR rewards you.

If they can apply that flexibility to all their missions, keep the story engaging and mysterious and develop on Adam's initial reluctance to undergo bodily augmentation, then right now there's not much stopping Human Revolution being nigh no perfect come release day/

A Lunatic's Guide To Talking To Women

Knowing how to talk to girls is one of those tricks that everyone in real life seems to have but no one on the internet. And not just the sunlight-deprived cave-goblin internet people either. 'How to to talk to girls' is a top ranking google search. But whatever the reason, you've given up, maybe you're turning your interests elsewhere, (to cars for example - they certainly wouldn't need much courting) and you've finally decided that you actually prefer offending, horrifying and stirring utter abhoration in the hearts of your new acquaintances.

Well worry no more, for I am here for you. With my new guide! In 5 easy to follow steps you'll be alienating girls left and right, you won't even need that stick you have for beating them away! But why trust me? Well, I consider myself something of a 'space doctor genius' when it comes to screaming ineffectually in girls' ears and watching them walk away with a mixture of terror and revulsion in their eyes. So have no fear, you'll be wallowing in self-pity and loneliness before the night is through with my help!

***

Step 1: First Impressions
Women are a fickle, mysterious race but they do have naturally high concentrations of intuition in their (yellow) blood. It's therefore vitally important that you make a good initial impression, don't let them sniff out the fact that beneath your charmingly bohemian exterior beats the caustic heart of a future serial killer. You want them to think you are just a normal guy so naturally, that's going to take some acting. Nothing Oscar-worthy obviously, just a friendly smile and a simple introduction.

[IMPORTANT NOTE: do not introduce yourself by your internet alias, as these are almost always awful like RectalExaminer87 or Pussyfart_Greenhornet. Save them for later]

Also, try winking, a lot, in fact, try to conduct this ice-breaking exercise with yours eyes shut for as long as possible. Winking puts a woman at ease as they are naturally intimidated by unblinking stares, which make them feel like you're judging them.

Step 2: Testing the Waters
Right, now that you've learnt, promised to remember and forgotten all their names/ages/cities of origin it's time to judge them. Not physically, so what if they're all stunning? It's not like you'll be sleeping with any of them. Hell no, we're here to violently ostracise some ladies, because that's what you're into. You know, I'm starting to wonder about you imaginary reader.

Ok, now it's important at this point to keep up your act, but stay introverted. Just let them talk, they're all genetically engineered with a daily quota of words to get through which if they fail to complete they're reprogrammed to be lesbian by satellite. Stay focused, you should be listening - making mental notes of any sensitive personal information they let slip: one of them's Jewish, secretly married or clinically depressed? That'll come in useful later. This shouldn't be too difficult, ladies are pretty easy to read, what with their wearing their hearts on their sleeves (and liver and kidneys too occasionally, especially after it was in that one issue of Vogue or whatever).

Step 3: Warming Up
Alright then, from their inane chattering, you've managed to judge their intellect, background and various other attributes, now it's time to get started. Everyone knows that to be an effective female-talker-at-er you need to be funny. So logically, the best way to be an ineffective whatever-I-just-said is to tell no jokes right? Or discuss sad things like drowning puppies, or Schindler's List or all the drowning puppies that were in Schindler's List in the deleted scenes.

Well you'd be dead wrong my friend. The key to female-alienation is trying to be funny and failing both miserably and repeatedly. Nothing beats the look on their faces when you line up what you think is a perfect joke - timing, topicality and delivery were all spot-fucking-on and you even managed the hardest bit, not laughing at it yourself. And the response was dismal, looking at the row of blank faces you'd think you'd whipped out your dick and dipped it in each of their drinks, leaning in close to whisper 'that's for you... for later'. Be sure to vary your trainwreck comments though, remember to pitch them above and below their comprehension so they don't know whether you're insulting their intelligence or just plain hide-the-cutlery stupid yourself. Being consistently unfunny is a challenge, so expect the occasional pity laugh, but don't be disheartened.

Step 4: This Time It's Personal
If you've been following this guide to the letter you should have their attention, but they're now slightly suspiscous of you intentions/mental stability and rather confused. Now is the time to make it personal, anything you gleaned during Step 2 is now fair game for your inflammatory derision. However, if the females in question happened to be the rare Speckled Laconic breed then you've doubtless got no dirt on any of them. The easiest way to demonstrate your bigotry now is just to bring up as many of your own unreasoned opinions as possible and hope one of them hits a sore spot. Pubs are ideal for this, especially if they have the news on TV. Here are a few examples:

'Rain over Brighton eh? Well that's what they get for stickin' it to the man. Know what I mean? I mean  they fuck men.'


'I'm all for immigration, we need more Chinese to do accounting and stuff like that. They're great at that shit, what with their crafty little fingers.'


'Medicinal marijuana?! Those Leukaemia patients get all the luck.' 


Step 5: Going Nuclear
Now's the time you've been waiting for this whole evening, it's your chance to do something really planet-shatteringly crazy. You will need to actually do something, rather than say it, you'll have really desensitised them to your verbal madness by now. The important thing is to be creative and spontaneous but the best (as I call them) Night-Enders usually require some planning, or at the very least, a little foresight. There are some examples below, but I would really recommend coming up with something yourself.

I! THE DREAD GOD CTHULU HAVE ARISEN! ARISEN TO SOW MY INFERNAL SEED IN THE BOWELS OF YOUR FEEBLE PLANET!!
[This one works best if you remembered to bring some pre-cooked noodles, which you can drape over your face before flagrantly attempting to penetrate the carpet]

I FUCKING HATE THE GODFATHER!!
[Maybe bring your DVD set and ostentatiously smash it on something. Or better yet, bring someone else's DVD set]

THE ABYSS! IT GAZES BACK!!
[Ideal if you're sat next to a window]

That's for you... for later.

***

Congratulations! You should now be walking home alone. I knew you had it in you champ!