As a gamer, I've cured sufferers of zombiesm with cricket bats, murdered Nazis with piping, attended a wedding while possessed by a horny ghost, raised a wolf, sung karaoke in the name of police work, high-fived a robot on his birthday, drunk absinthe for health reasons, punched a wizard that came from the moon, hunted sharks with C4, won the presidency of the United States and performed an octopus abortion without a medical license.
The point is, as a gamer, I spend a lot of time doing awesome shit and while 2016 won't go down in history as one of humanity's greatest years of existence for just, so many reasons; maybe 2017 will hold some rad new experiences. See that? Optimism that was. Feels weird.
1. Horizon: Zero Dawn
If you like crafting weaponry and hiding in caves from a vastly technologically superior foe then you're probably a member of ISIS.
2. Mass Effect: Andromeda
3. For Honor
It's like a crossover episode in a sitcom. Suddenly samurai are knocking around Medieval Europe and no-one thinks to question it.
4. Red Dead Redemption 2
People who aren't me remember the last Red Dead as an engaging open-world western with plenty of rootin'-tootin' good times. I remember it as the game that put a $5 bounty on my head for accidentally fatally running over a prostitute with my horse. Later on, the same Sheriff's department chased me through two states just because I put a few sticks of dynamite underneath one cow.
The only thing that's ever hated women more is yeast and I don't see that changing.
5. South Park: The Fractured But Whole
Doesn't need a joke because it already is one.
6. Spider-Man
Doesn't need a joke either because ditto. Shit. Threw that joke away. Why couldn't there be a Pokemon game coming out this year? There is? Fuuuuuuucccc-
7. God Of War 4
Things have changed. Psychotic antihero and by now, ex-god of war Kratos is reduced to babysitting duties in a Nordic-style environment. Although that does mean a brand new pantheon await a good old-fashioned, deiform curb-stomping.
8. Star Wars: Battlefront II
This is a game that is so profoundly uninteresting to me that I'm just going to copy and paste some of my favourite Star Wars-flavoured 'yo mama' jokes from that Robot Chicken special. Away we go:
''Yo mama so fat Ben Kenobi said: 'That's no moon. That's yo mama!'''
''Yo mama so hairy she have to comb her wrist to tell what time it is.''
''Yo mama so stupid she thinks a TIE fighter comes from Bangkok.''
9. Persona 5
So few fucks are given in Japan that they actually have special protected status as an endangered species. And this game will be so Goddamn Japanese. It should be the equivalent of watching an anime but being interrupted every five minutes by a sad virgin's crane kick.
10. Detroit: Become Human
Writer David Cage's latest upcoming attempt to make a video game with no gameplay. Could be OK if he miraculously learns to stop writing like eight people with MPD trapped in a lift, trying to order takeaway online.
11. Gran Turismo Sport
A bold leap in shiny metal objects moving quickly.
12. Yooka-Laylee
This could be good or it could be another opportunity for Kickstarter fanboys to experience regret. Here's hoping that they learn something this time.
13. Guardians Of The Galaxy: The Telltale Series
As the industry's most liberally-minded whores, Telltale will make their trademark episodic conversation marathons about seemingly anything. Look forward to next year's Brexit: The Telltale Series. It'll only be one episode long and regardless of what decisions you make you still get Game Over.
14. Shadow Warrior 2
Playing the last Shadow Warrior, with its cathartic, retro-strained violence, nerd references and genital fixation felt like watching a confused ninja use the internet for the first time. And I can't wait to join series' protagonist Lo Wang aboard the dick joke train again. Boarding in the rear! Anal! He's better at it than I am.
15. Vampyr
Gothic RPG where you a play as a vampire, surprisingly enough. Rampant slaughter will have negative consequences but you have to kill to survive so should raise difficult choices. Probably the only game coming this year that will inform you how delicious and missed a potential target will be before you eat them, sneak into their spouse's room and eat them too.
16. Friday The 13th: The Game
Finally, in 2017 we can all play as outdated horror star Jason Vorhees. Or more likely won't because it's 7 vs. 1 multiplayer. How do you feel about those odds? You're going to be spending considerably less time hunting bouncey co-eds than cowering in a wardrobe.
17. Sniper Elite 4
This game should answer an important question: just how many times can you watch a rifle bullet in super slow-motion bulldoze through a Nazi's testicle before you start feeling ashamed of yourself?
18. Gwent: The Witcher Card Game
A card game featured in another game that's getting its own game.
19. Injustice 2
DC Comics beat-em-up sequel that'll let you pit your favourite characters against each other. Over and over. Without resolution. Forever.
Characters such as Atrocitus! Supergirl, Manhammer, Sharkonaut, Blue Beetle, Laserdick Richards, Deathstroke, Gorilla Grodd and Funk Supreme! I only made a few of those up!
20. Little Nightmares
If everyone at Aardman Studios suddenly cracked and started using claymation to spread evil in the world, Little Nightmares would be the video game based on their office crime scene.
21. Sea Of Thieves
You can fulfill all your piratical fantasies in this multiplayer adventure. Drink grog, unbury buried treasure, get hanged by the Spanish! Do it all with your bestest friends!
22. Cuphead
Generated a whole saucer-load of hype when it was announced largely for its Steamboat Willie-era Disney animation style. Probably won't be easy. Or anti-semitic.
23. Yakuza 0
If you're new to the Yakuza series which, despite what the title suggests, has been going a long time, let me tell you: You would be surprised how much shirtless oratory and crying was involved in the life of an average member of the Japanese mob.
There's also some fighting, traditionally. Although 'fighting' seems a tad tame to describe it. 'Beaucoup beatdown face disaster' might serve better. Gang violence on the streets of 1980s Tokyo. That means crushing a pickpocket's windpipe beneath my winklepicker to drown out the sound of Banarama. At least, that's what I'm hoping for.
24. Scalebound
Looks for all the world like a Devil May Cry game. It has all the warnings signs: douchey protagonist, huge enemies, fast-paced combat, moronic soundtrack; it's all there. But I'll tell you what else is there: Your own, commandable, rideable pet dragon.
25. Knack 2
Will, in all likelihood, also be cack.
26. Nioh
Dark Souls taken out of Medieval European fantasy and plonked down in Feudal Japan. Also the protagonist is Geralt of Rivia for some reason.
27. Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice
You can play as a woman whose internal monologue speaks in Andy Serkis' voice. That should be reason enough.
28. PaRappa The Rapper Remastered
Proof again if proof were needed that quick time events aren't even fun when karate onions are involved.
