4 Things That Are Criminally Wrong With Star Wars

Star Wars kicks so much ass its genre technically counts as 'Shattered Pelvic Bone'. Glorified Space monks parade around a galaxy in shiny starships that mock the laws of physics and fight robots with laser swords. But, fantasising about such an awesome universe enough is bound to lead to some problems. Mostly social ones, but that's not why we're here. No, escapism comes at a price, and that price is noticing plot holes you could drive an AT-AT through. Nerds get riled up by canonical inconsistencies, so after I spat in the faces of peaceful nerds everywhere when I foolishly attempted something as heretical as suggesting ways in which Harry Potter could be improved, I can honestly say that I wasn't prepared for the monumental backlash it would incite. That's right, there wasn't a single vitriolic comment. Wrong move, internet. Because now I'm back with some rude things to say about something no-one has ever said anything rude about. And not just the prequel trilogy either. On a side note, The Old Republic looks bloody brilliant. 

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George Lucas' Casting Strategy


If you'll permit me, dear hypothetical reader, I'd like to tell you a story. It's a story of perseverance, of personal faith, and the extraordinary machinations of fate. It is the story, of Harrison Ford's early career. He arrived in Los Angeles a mere boy of 22, but would leave a man, although I think he still lives there. Young Harrison came, like many others, with a hope in his heart, a nonexistent dime in his pocket, and an unquenchable thirst for success in his loins. Unfortunately, nine years later, he was still doing bit roles for bit projects. His biography is suspiciously quiet over whether he was forced to involve himself in pornography in order to pay the bills, so I'm forced to assume that he was. His time as a fluffer would be short though, for he was eventually hired by George Lucas to build him some cabinets. Because there's nothing like a career in porno to qualify you to work with wood.

I'd like to thank my time in Year 4 for that joke.

You can probably guess the next bit, in a spectacular display of nepotism/tight-fisted-ness, Lucas hired Ford to play Han Solo. Now, let's look at this like reasonable, semi-sober adults. If you were the right-hand man of a powerful authority figure, let's say a dictator, and he asked you (in the tongue of The Beast) to find him a new anger management therapist, and you gave the job to your plumber, how fucking dead would you be?


Obi-Wan Kenobi is a moron

You have to admire the balls of Obi-Wan Kenobi. He took on an apprentice he didn't necessarily believe in, out of respect for his late teacher, he spearheaded the war against the Separatist horde, he proved himself a wise, powerful Jedi whose last act was to ensure the defeat of all evil in the Galaxy. He truly lived. It's such a shame then, that for the most part, he lived like his mother just couldn't keep her hands off the Space Tequila when she was pregnant with him.

Here is a man with the Nobel-prize-worthy idea of going into hiding at the end of Episode 3, when the entire might of the newborn Empire was united in the effort of tracking his ass down and destroying him, but doesn't think to change his surname. Was the Emperor such a laid back, informal chap that he only knew Obi by his first name? Only changing his first name to Ben shouldn't have throw a toddler off the scent. I'd love to blame the Empire, with its nearly limitless resources mind you, for taking twenty years to find someone stupid enough to think growing a beard and hiding in a cave counted as keeping a low profile, but the sheer idiocy of Kenobi prevents me. He doesn't even think to alter his dress sense for fuck's sake. How many other people in the Star Wars universe were still wearing filthy hobo-robes by Episode 4? Sticking a photo of him to a lampost or behind the counter at the local Tatooine supermarket would have been enough for everyone on the planet to find him. He probably got a fake Starship Driver's License in the name of McLovin.

After a few decades probably spent drinking Space White Lightning and begging for Space change, the mysterious, enigmatic, (sigh) 'Ben' Kenobi is finally discovered. In the Empire's base of military operations. And then he doesn't even have the good sense to die properly, instead opting to vanish (maybe?), leaving Vader to poke ruefully at his (probably) soiled robe, looking stupid.

Goddamn it, Kenobi.

It's something of a tragedy that the character is actually less hateable in the prequel trilogy. And that's mostly thanks to Ewan McGregor's winning smile. He's still unsafely stupid though. In Episode 3, he jumps into a pile of battle droids just to say hello. Adam West watches that scene and laughs at Ewan's inability to bring drama to the situation. Of course, Kenobi's greatest fuck-up in the prequel trilogy is allowing Anakin to turn to the Dark Side. But in fairness to him, it would have been pretty incredible to foresee Annie doing something so predictable after spending the previous film doing so much crazy.

All the (let's call it unintentional) Racism


In Episode 1, we were introduced to Watto. He's a creepy, probably foul-smelling, degenerate gambler and junk dealer on the planet Tatooine. If he was human, he'd look like the kind of man that goes to fertility clinics to meet girls that can't get pregnant. There's nothing inherently wrong with that sentence, it's a pretty accurate description that could also be applied to anyone who lives in Vegas. The issue arises when you realise that he's financially prudent, and looks like this:

It's the nose, in case you hadn't noticed. Although it's more like a fucking proboscis.

If you're immediate reaction wasn't 'holy shit! The work of Lucas Arts, a massively successful studio, has racist undertones?' Then you're probably Walt Disney's daughter. His (damn near) first line in the Phantom Menace is: 'mind tricks don't work on me, only money'. I mean, that's not a subtle reference to the state of the economy or anything, nothing has ever meant one thing as hard as that. His race just goshdarn loves money. Make up your own mind about that, Internet, but the existence of Watto concerns me, if only because if it wasn't intentional, then none of the hundreds of people who animated, voiced, edited or directed this character noticed or had the minerals to mention it. Or that Ja-Ja Binks acts like a panicking Rastafarian, or that the Sand People are fucking called Sand People. 


Hayden Christensen

Let me tell you of the hatred I have for Hayden Christensen. My hatred is so vivid, so real, that I can taste it on my tongue when I speak of it, and feel a burning itch in my fingertips as I type. It boils in my gut like someone filled it with Pepsi and Mentos and thrashes in my head like a Rancor got trapped on an electric fence. And I earned this hatred. Earned it by forcing myself to watch him flounce around the screen, whining about how terribly unappreciated he is, even after he's knocked up Natalie Portman. And fuck you too for that, Lucas. Zookeepers use the love scenes in Episode 2 to get the monkeys to stop fucking. Rapists watch them and understand what they've done. Hayden Christensen is such a pussy that when he goes to the hairdressers, they charge him for a bikini wax. His motivation for every scene was: 'OK Hayden! Your morning sickness medication just arrived and they spelled your name wrong on the prescription. Aaaaannnnnd... GO!' Everything about every second of his performance in Attack of the Clones and especially Revenge of the Sith is wrong. He could read out Martin Luther King's I Have A Dream speech and the audience would think it was the instructions on a box of tampons.

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William cannot fucking believe how much he hates Hayden Christensen. You can follow his 'movements' on Twitter or make him feel awkward on Facebook.