Judge Brands Independent Contractors 'Braindead Arse Candles'

GEOamey, a firm that provides for the transport of inmates and won a £900 million contract with the Ministry of Justice last month, has recently found out that all their vehicles are too tall to fit through court gates. At Winchester Crown Court for example, the roads accessing the entrance are being dug up to enable GEOamey's vans to fit under the arches.

The first recorded instance of a 'Bristol Crown Court Fail'

The problem has become so embarrassingly widespread that prisoners all over the country are being forced to walk the last hundred yards or so to their hearing. Convicted mugger Leighton Mintz-Harris has called the situation 'a farce', and finds it offensive that men of his calibre and social standing should be forced to travel on foot like common commuters.

In a far more brazen and therefore interesting statement, Judge Henry Lazenby called the entire contract 'a fuck-up of biblical proportions'. Continuing, 'it's unthinkable to assume that the British government's first choice of private firms in this, or in fact, any matter would be a pack of dribbling, braindead arse candles. It's like they didn't even check that the firm's vans were suitable. And it's not like the contract hinged on anything else, like their tea and coffee making facilities or something. But that can't be right. Can it?'

The Ministry of Justice's new plan as of this afternoon, to give inmates fixie bikes and a stern warning not to just piss off to the pub, has been lambasted on the basis that it's not 'financially viable'.