Tales of Rad: The Internet's Most Impossible Impacts

Welcome to Tales of Rad, the only internet column series that Newtonian Physics is too afraid to fuck with. 

You know those people you just inexplicably hate without any justification or cause? So does Gravity. And occasionally, Science gives that petulant, prejudiced prick of a phenomenon free reign to do whatever it wants, and almost always takes that opportunity to make a human it doesn't like kiss concrete. Like my girlfriend. If she isn't surrounded by people committed to catching her around the clock, she'd eat total shit once every three hours. And she doesn't even make Gravity's top 500 shit-eaters list. 

Now I know that videos of people falling over are pretty much the lowest common denominator when it comes to comedic material, but every once in a while, something beautiful happens. Someone will hit the ground with incredible force, when there is absolutely, no goddamn way they were going fast enough to warrant it. You know what I mean, like when a fat lady's teetering on the edge of the curb, just to plummet maybe four feet down onto the road like a trebuchet fired a wedding dress full of beef joints against a brick wall. She had no business hitting the pavement that hard, but the Laws of Inertia had just run out of fucks that day, or maybe they were tired of swinging that fat bitch's shopping bags around.

Whatever the reason, Youtube is full of hundreds of poor fools like that one I just made up. And seeing as there isn't really a tone here to lower, here are five of the most awesome: the human meteors, whose collision course with Earth was so physically impossible it actually deserves to be immortalised in the gallery of human failure that we know as the Internet. These are people who fought the law. But the law didn't just win, it went to impossible lengths to destroy them.

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This Guy

When Gravity spotted that reporter covering a toboggan race, It knew exactly what to do. But got a little overwhelmed by the options. It could have done the sensible thing, and made the inflatable ring bounce off the reporter's ankle with the anti-climactic result of a man being nudged in the leg by another man riding a pregnancy ring that the logic centres of our brains were screaming for. Or even brought the reporter down to headbutt the shit out of the rider. But Gravity isn't known for thriving under pressure, and when prompted, will turn a failing sports journalist into a ninja for Its own amusement. This video looks like Gravity has been pissed off by all the levitating in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon for years, so gave the secret, air-bending acrobatic techniques of the Orient to the whitest guy it could find.

Also This Guy

BREAKING NEWS: Dublin man Irish whips himself into a stone wall. Deadly black ice blamed. In other news, Physics, the notorious criminal wanted for millions of counts of crimes against dignity and for confounding Catholic scholars everywhere, made a rare statement to the press: 'Hahaaaahahahahahaah! Sir Isaac was wrong about everything! Muahahahah!' 

Don't even get me started on This Guy

Did you see the look of horror on Simon Cowell's face? It's because he knew. He knew that every two thousand years, the cervix of the night opens and an ancient and terrible god emerges, demanding a sacrifice. Luckily for us, Fate chose someone we wouldn't miss - X Factor's Onkar Judge. Go ahead, skip to 1:35, all you'll be missing is some godawful crooning, but what else are the X Factor auditions for than laughing at the delusions of failures? Watch, as this maniac ploughs his lower body into the floor with the kind of mindless suicidal instinct that can only be explained by the Dark Hand guiding him to his ignominious end in front of a panel of vacuous arseholes. Implausible? Then you explain to me why someone so in love with themselves would try so hard to liquidise their own kneecaps.

And then there's... This Guy?

Nerds are known for three things, and none of them are sweet dance moves. So when this kid walked on stage to compete at the BlizzCon dance contest, you can bet he probably wasn't the worst thing the judges had seen that day. But he does look like chemical waste. Or the guy that sobs when Luke Skywalker muders his pet Rancor with a skull and as you can probably guess, doesn't dance very well. See, a lifetime of World of Warcraft has strange, arcane effects on human bone structure and eventually, helping one of these people support themselves outside their natural environment is like playing catch with a scale model of the Wicker Man made of Twiglets. After twenty seconds jumping up and down he crumbles like so many bricks of cocaine. He does get up and have another go though, and the result is so impossible I think just typing it voids my mental health warranty. From a height probably a foot shorter than the average a full-grown human can standing jump, this guy breaks his own leg. People have fallen out of airplanes and not broken bones. If this video was made into an Anime, and the only person that wants that more than me is that kid, to do this, the kid's foot would have had to hit the ground with the force of an exploding star. And that would have left an impact crater the size of Essex.

THIS FUCKING GUY

The number of fucks a person has to give in a given day are inversely proportional to the number of balls they have. This Fucking Guy has all the balls. He's such a perfect combination of gutsy and stupid that if you followed him around with a camera in two hours you'd have enough material to fill Youtube's humour section for months. A good piece of media raises more questions than it answers. And this CCTV footage is nothing but questions. Unless there's a back door to that building, or there's a lab in the basement where they're genetically engineering brainwashed Punjabi zombies, this is at least the second time this idiot has seen an automatic door. So, what? Is this how he solves every problem? Face-first? How did he survive the Internet's most incredible impact? Is his sexual history just vaguely human-shaped holes in the floor of his apartment? How do door manufacturers not plan for people like him? At least I can answer the last one, there is no goddamn way there are people out there like That Fucking Guy, they'd have broken every bone in their body by the time their parents got them back from the hospital.

5 Ways To Tell Whether The Guy You're Dating Is Dangerously Insane

This was originally a scientific paper that I meant to submit to this week's guest publication, Psychology Weekly. However, the publishers I signed up with a few months ago technically own every piece of work I produce and there hasn't been much of that lately. They've already taken my house, tv and first-born son, so after a few bad decisions and a slight change in editorial direction, the article has been published as follows, for the popular women-parts-oriented magazine, Cosmopolitan. I'll be using Psychologist Will's Nose-Fucking-Psycho Scale (patent pending), the number 1 indicating Run For Your Lives and 5+ Make Peace With Your God. Try to keep up.

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He's a Conspiracy Theorist.
PWNFP Scale: 1

Identifiable by their: tin-foil hats, opinions unburdened by fact. 

It takes a fair few balls to read one sensationalist article about a horrendous national tragedy and scream 'ISN'T IT OBVIOUS? THE GOVERNMENT DID IT!' So I actually have a little respect for these people. All you ladies out there though, should be wary. Though they're certain to have some, let say entertaining, opinions, they're just as likely to be living in their mother's basement on a diet of Gatorade and crazy. I'll make this easy, if you're seeing a man romantically, you're not dating a conspiracy theorist. Unless you're one too. Which makes you something of a valued commodity on the interne- alright fine. More valued. But it also begs the question, how did you come to be reading this? Did your miraculous fingers, honed by years of keyboard molesting on forums, actually, make, a mistake? Or are you just here looking for love?


He enjoys Hostel it a bit too much.
PWNFP Scale: 4

Identifiable by their: moody eyes, stock of human fingers.

Torture porn films like Saw and Hostel enjoyed a surge of popularity in the noughties, but like the erections of so many in their core fanbase, the excitement didn't last long. Just having seen these films doesn't make you a monster, thousands of people didn't walk out of cinemas all over the world to suddenly realise they're a serial killer. They were intended to purely shock, but let's not get into a discussion about what constitutes true artistic merit here, this is a magazine for women. I know my audience. No, what you need to know is this: don't panic if you see a stack of horror films in his DVD collection when you're taking your first tentative steps into his apartment (giggle). Panic when you wake up to find him drawing 'cut-here' marks on your skin in permanent marker. Unless he's a plastic surgeon. In fact, ignore it just on the off-chance that he is a plastic surgeon. They make a lot of money you know.


His blood is a pale, corrosive acid.
PWNFP Scale: Eleventy-Hundred and Fine

Identifiable by their: hivemind, disregard for simple mating patterns

Quick! Find a sharp implement like a kebab skewer or an ornate letter opener. Dammit this is no time to be choosy! Right, now drive it into your man's subclavian artery. Now, this is critical. What, exactly mind, are you covered in? Hot, red fluid with a metallic tang? That's good. Those of you in this position can just skip straight to the make-up sex now. Those of you who've been screaming for the past 30 seconds while your flesh melted, are in a less fortunate position. It's a common misnomer that men with lurid, caustic liquid in their veins in the place of blood, are gay. Not true, the blood of homosexuals is actually highly sought-after for its miraculously curative powers. But if your man has highly acidic blood then chances are he's already impregnated your face, so... congratulations! Enjoy your 12 hours of maternity leave before his love child emerges screaming from your abdomen.


His flesh is a dozen ravens.
PWNFP Scale: Gargle.

Identifiable by their: dislike of cats



Let me take this oppurtunity to say that if you've been prudent so far, and made all these checks on your new beau, at this point, why wouldn't you make sure he's not a dozen arcane ravens hiding in the skin of a man? Because that would be crazy. That's why. He probably isn't, but just in case he is, just be sure to have the Rite of Bel-Shamharoth memorised, and pay particular attention to the two-step plie when you're libating the blood of the pig-nosed vipers. The whole thing really hinges on it.


He is Pandemonium, The World Ender.
PWNFP Scale: AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!

You're all fucked.

I'm afraid I haven't been totally honest with you, ladies. Because while you were earnestly checking up on your new fling, I opened up a portal to the kind of universe that makes Cthulu roll up his windows when he drives through. It's nothing personal, I just had to distract you all while I was daubing the ancient runes in orphan blood on the floor, but don't worry, you're going to love living under the hegemony of Kal Dez-Hur. Trust me, it's pretty swell. You'll all get access to Channel 666, which has all the repeats of Keeping Up With The Kal Dez-Ashians and plays them pretty much all day, and there's at least three violent deaths an episode on that show. It's a great lark, I'm telling you. What's wrong? You look upset. Yes, I can see you. He is here now. I am his eyes, because I have been chosen. Chosen to facilitate his glorious ascent to our plane. And to mark his consorts. Quickly it understands. But it's too late. Your fear is on my tongue and your screams only make it taste the sweeter. It should have chosen better last words.