TV is like religion. For every one suicide bomber there are a hundred Catholic choir boys getting all the sex they could want. Also like religion, a lot about TV is crazier than a shithouse rat. The following are five of the goddamn insanest programs it wasn't really that hard to find. What was harder, was understanding what went through the minds of all the presumably un-institutionalised people that saw this madness before it made it to small screens and let it happen.
I should note, that in the spirit of fairness, I didn't consider anything made in Japan for this list. I'm sure you were expecting Takeshi's Castle or something like it here, but that sort of thing is like Midlands Today to them. Being Japanese means you couldn't see something being unremarkable harder than Banzai without actually being Prince Charles sniffing through a schoolchild's used-pantie vending machine.
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Finding Bigfoot
You know how you always start to get the feeling that TV producers can't seem to finish what they start, right about the same time they completely run dry of interesting ideas? Then they go on for a few more seasons? Well Animal Planet hit on the best damn idea to sort that out. Every week they send four douchy backpackers into another corner of American forest to search for the totally-not-mythical creature. Now that's a pitch with legs. They could, quite literally, keep this show going until the end of time. Along the way, the 'experts' have every kind of emotional breakdown. It's like a fat camp, except fat camps occasionally achieve something. Don't these morons realise that airport security also pay people perfectly good money to search for something that obviously doesn't exist?
Steven Seagal: Lawman
Look, I'm not saying Steven Seagal doesn't have superpowers, but he sure as shit thinks so. And who's going to argue with an Aikido 7th dan blackbelt? Not me. I appreciate my bone structure just as it is. And I don't even know what Aikido is. I considered Armed & Famous for this spot, where CBS gave established jackasses like Wee Man, La Toya Jackson and Erik Estrada badges and guns and set them loose in Indiana as, I really, really goddamn wish I was making this up, officially sworn-in reserve police officers. But sadly, the idea of attention-whoring idiots taking the oath to 'Protect and Serve', is actually less terrifying to me than 600 pounds of 90s action star stalking the streets of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana.
Watch, as he hypnotises some poor homeless guy with ancient Chinese zodiak mysticism, and then at some other time, for no reason, shoots the heads off matches. There's no point being coy about this, I've seen many a Seagal flick in my time, so I can say, quite safely, that Steven solves most of his problems with femur smashes. And mostly recently, in (my personal director's soft spot Robert Rodriguez's) Machete, where he solved the problem of Danny Trejo's wife, by katana. Seagal has spent the last 20 years in worlds where he walks into a sports bar, and everyone tries to kill him. Who wouldn't be effected by that? It doesn't surprise me that petty crime in the great state of Louisiana has gone done 40-odd per cent, because most of the county's muggers and vaguely-gothy looking men are just puddles of meat in dimly-lit alleyways these days.
To Catch A Predator
I just don't see the appeal of To Catch A Predator. Any hunter would tell you, it's no fun putting down deer if they just stumble blindly into your trap one after another. There's no challenge. And therefore, no satisfaction. If you're the kind of person that enjoys watching the stupidly helpless destroy themselves, then you're probably Chris Hanson anyway. If not, South Park took the piss out of this show better than I ever could. So just watch that episode, I guess.
A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila
Plenty of reality tv shows offer sex with a 6 as a prize, few offer Uatu, the alien super-villain from X-Men. The votes are in, and apparently, no-one wants to have sex with you, Tila. Sorry.
Bridalplasty
The concept of Bridalplasty, where a dozen brides-to-be compete for plastic surgery, sounds like something a terrified husband would scream to the police when his deranged wife takes him hostage in her wedding dress. And predictably, E! didn't choose charming, relatable women who happened to be on the large side for this, because, how would that make good TV? No. They're all screeching, self-important psychopaths whose only motivation is some fucking botox up in those billowing cheek bones. Plus everything else they ever dreamed of. Every tummy tuck, jowl limitation, wing clipping, neck-hot-dog reflapping that they ever wanted. And for what? Their dream wedding? Fuck that. Every second these whingeing pork shoulders live, one micron of the essence of human achievement is sucked from the world. If you asked any of these vacuous cro-magnons what 'enlightenment' meant, they'd say it was that awful, particular camera angle that illuminated their knee fat.
I'm no stranger to hating on reality TV series, but I truly believe that TV is pissing in our collective cornflakes with this. It does not, deserve, to exist. Where the rest of the shows on this list defy logical reasoning, Bridalplasty manages to violate every moral or ethical standpoint I hold. And I don't even value human life. Don't be like that. You've been here before, it shouldn't surprise you. Watching these horrendous excuses for humans squabble and scrounge for cosmetic treatments, in even the briefest of moments, is honest to god, the most fucking depressing thing I have ever seen. I mean, one of these twats actually pawned her engagement ring without telling her fiancee.
It wasn't my intention to depress anyone with this, or turn people off TV as a whole, which as an industry, continues to produce great products, occasionally. I didn't even mean to mention the fact that some shows (reality, obviously), actually make you stupider for watching, according to genuine, scientific study, which I conveniently can't be bothered to post links to. But seriously, TV is fucked. I can sort of understand that a certain demographic might want to watch Steven Seagal karate chop perps, or desperate bisexuals fighting for a skank's attention. But Bridalplasty crosses a line. Making it far, far, too insane to think about.
I'm no stranger to hating on reality TV series, but I truly believe that TV is pissing in our collective cornflakes with this. It does not, deserve, to exist. Where the rest of the shows on this list defy logical reasoning, Bridalplasty manages to violate every moral or ethical standpoint I hold. And I don't even value human life. Don't be like that. You've been here before, it shouldn't surprise you. Watching these horrendous excuses for humans squabble and scrounge for cosmetic treatments, in even the briefest of moments, is honest to god, the most fucking depressing thing I have ever seen. I mean, one of these twats actually pawned her engagement ring without telling her fiancee.
It wasn't my intention to depress anyone with this, or turn people off TV as a whole, which as an industry, continues to produce great products, occasionally. I didn't even mean to mention the fact that some shows (reality, obviously), actually make you stupider for watching, according to genuine, scientific study, which I conveniently can't be bothered to post links to. But seriously, TV is fucked. I can sort of understand that a certain demographic might want to watch Steven Seagal karate chop perps, or desperate bisexuals fighting for a skank's attention. But Bridalplasty crosses a line. Making it far, far, too insane to think about.
