6 Tips on giving a great Presentation (on something you know nothing about).

There comes a time in the career of every student, young professional or cocaine dealer when you'll have no choice but to stand in front of a group of peers, colleagues or jury members and talk about something for an extended period of time. Naturally, this can be rather intimidating, after all, you hate most of those arseholes not to mention the fact that you have almost no clue what you're supposed to be talking about or why. So I decided to compile a brief collection of pointers to help you on your way.
[DISCLAIMER: using almost any of these in a real world situation will result in complete and utter, hilarity. Fair warning.]

1. Dutch Courage
An absolutely indispensable course of action just prior to your presentation is drinking. The state medically referred to as 'two-drinks-drunk' will impart a pleasant buzz, loosen your tongue and allow you to more effectively engage with your audience, as we all know: a little light banter never hurt anyone. However, be wary, choose your beverage with care as different drinks (especially spirits) can often result in radically different moods. Whiskey for example, is an unwise choice, as it leaves the drinker in a mild state of murderous, irrational rage and removes all indication of tact or diplomacy. Where gin on the other hand, leaves the drinker brimming with self pity and traps them in maudlin apathy. Naturally, neither are conducive to presenting information with clarity. Absinthe is ideal though.

Mr Franklin? Is that really such a good idea? I mean, you have to talk to HR in 2 minutes.

2. Know The Software
Nine times out of ten, it will be Microsoft Powerpoint that you'll use to give visual aids to your presentation. While no one would deny (apart from Steve Jobs and every hipster oxygen-thief in Starbucks) that it's great software, allowing you to easily set up basic animations, flowcharts and anything else you could want to complement your script, it's important to remember, that Powerpoint hates you. It will take every possible oppurtunity to fuck you over, steal your car and impregnate your wife, so, just be prepared for that I guess. Bring a gun you can threaten it with or something.

3. Know Your Audience

I can tell you now, your audience is a screaming pack of morons. Most need to be fitted with a helmet before using a door and you'd be hard pressed to find someone among them capable of drooling and chewing their shoelaces at the same time. Therefore, make sure you aim the information you're plying low, real low. Avoid polysyllabic words (such as polysyllabic) and take generous pauses between sentences so they have time to really digest what you're saying. You could throw in a dick joke too occasionally, imbeciles love dick jokes. 

...and that's why getting fired is a bad thing. Any questions? No. I don't think it's worth going over it a 3rd time.

4. Respect Your Fellow Presenters

Being able to work in a team is important, but not as important as being able to tolerate the truly insufferable jackasses you're often saddled with to do this kind of thing. But be considerate, chances are they hate you almost as much as you do them. You'll probably be asked to stand when presenting, but a simple act of generosity like getting a chair for your female co-presenter/s can be very beneficial, especially for the woman. As standing upright for long periods of time puts a lot of strain on their brittle bird bones. At the very least, keep your attempts to derail your peers or colleagues as subtle as possible, if it looks like they're on to you, just lean in and remind that pussy that snitches get stitches. 

5. Not Preparing For The Worst
Something will go wrong, let me just say that now (wait, should I have pointed something like that out earlier? It would definitely have given the rest of this some context) and there's no way to actually plan for every eventuality. Which is a great excuse to not worry about it. I mean, how were you supposed to anticipate that fat chick in the break room next door having a coronary? Or all those hallucinogens in the coffee leading you to believe you were Yoko Ono?

As you can see by this squiggly shit here: I dropped two acid tabs half an hour ago.

6. Dealing With The Worst
What did I tell you? You fucked up, but at this point how or why is irrelevant, you need to deal with this. What?  No you have fucked up. You know how I know? That guy in the corner smiling and nodding. Say again? Oh. Yeah I bugged your apartment, I can hear you through your speakers. How else am I going to know what advice to give you on your screwed up life? Jesus. Have a little gratitude. Anyway, if you see someone beaming back at you from the audience, all eager to hear more about Monthly Profit Margins or Carthaginian Trade Routes or whatever the hell you're supposed to be talking about, panic. He/she is just mentally filing away all the ways in which your presentation is laughably inadequate and the smug prick is loving it. The best way to deal with this is to keep struggling on, but focus all your energy on keeping eye contact with the offender. Really let them see the bloodlust in your eyes and leave them wondering just what terrible, godless atrocities you have planned for them after this seminar or whatever is over.

There won't be enough of you left to bury. Your hair will be my trophy.