Tales of Rad: 6 Video Game Characters I Still Have A Crush On

Welcome, sexually confused creatures, to Tales of Rad. Tales of Rad is the internet column series that got your mother pregnant. But with what? 

If you grew up as part of the Playstation generation, then congratulations, you had so much more masturbation-worthy material than Nintendo fanboys it's almost unfair. Almost. 

Of course it isn't remotely unfair because all those lactating pussies who didn't dare ask someone to buy a PS2 and copy of God of War for them were too busy rubbing themselves off over Princess Peach and Krystal to develop real personalities, so you're safe here, real gamers.

All the same, the objectification of women isn't restricted to any console. Occasionally, even the most coy of squeaky-clean Nintendo characters would show some skin. Or release a gruesome sex tape. 

The point is, depictions of women in video games are possibly worse than any other minority. The only thing it's potentially worse to be in a game is German. Or maybe Russian, Hispanic or Zombie, these days. But women are generally portrayed as hyper-sexualised, neurotic and totally dependent on a central male character (usually you) to fix all their problems. Probably with your penis if it's a Bioware game. 

On that note, here are five imaginary things I wish I could have put my cock in were it possible. 

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Name: Miranda Lawson
Game: Mass Effect 2 & 3
Shame: Not too bad, actually. You'll see.

Miranda is a character from a Bioware game, in case you didn't see that coming. And by god, does she have problems. Problems that can only be solved by Shepherd-penis. The only kind of penis that counts in a Mass Effect game, be sure of that. Unless you play as a female Shepherd. And let's be honest, the only reason anyone would do that in ME2 before the possibility of making Shepherd gay was slipped into design for the closer, is so they could see what sex with a ceramic-faced bird alien is like.

This is kind of a fucked up franchise. 

Miranda was presumably introduced to distract people from the fact that an interstellar starship commander sexing his way across a universe of blue women had sort of been done before.

She was genetically bred to be perfect by her father (Daddy issues: check) and enlisted as an officer by pro-human group, Cerberus (Military training/kinkiness: checkity check) and at a brief glance you wouldn't be the first to say: 'Meh. Decent job done, but perfection is only attained by- OH MY GOD. I RESCIND EVERYTHING I JUST SAID BECAUSE SHE JUST TURNED AROUND'.

I don't know what Mr. Lawson thought he was paying for at iDesigner Baby, but what he got was more bübblebutt than Übermensch.

Miranda had 'Dat Ass' before that was even a thing. Just... just look at it. Not for too long, mind. A man could lose himself for many years between the twin peaks of Mt. Joydome. Of course, whenever the sheer graphical magnificence of a particularly pert breast or butt cheek cuts through the general fog of tedium that covers a gamer's brain, mid-game, there's a downer of a thought:

Some schlepp, some probably underpaid and certainly undersexed programmer probably spent weeks, maybe years, diligently writing all the code that makes Miranda's ass cast exactly the right amount of shadow and experience the most believable amount of jiggle according to environmental stress.

That's a bit of a turn off. Now the thought of that same guy going home to his homely wife and their under-furnished home, uninspired life and sexless marriage and hearing her ask him what he did that day, that lights my candle.

And speaking of danger wanks, Bioware added an enemy in Mass Effect 3 called a Phantom. They're just so lithe, so juicily athletic. It marked an important point in gaming when thousands of players simultaneously had the same thought: 'I bet they're into some kinky shit.' And when your contortionist beau has a plasma cannon embedded in their palm, that adds a whole new layer of risk into the daily handjob.

You, uhh, you look really nice tonight. Umm, is the sword really necessary? I mean... well, we're only going for tapas.

Name: Rikku [Foreign sound]

Game: Final Fantasy X
Shame: Shocking.

Rikku is the most believably down to earth female Square Enix has ever created. Which also makes her the cheesiest fake woman I've ever wanted to have sex with. If you wanted to weaponise 'bubbliness', you'd ask Motomu Toriyama for Rikku's original concept pitch.

To put her insufferable chipperness into perspective for all you normals reading this, (I know you're there, Mother) Rikku exists in a world that can and has been destroyed, multiple times, at any moment by a gigantic mushroom creature. Also, it's her job to deal with that. By sacrificing her cousin to kill it. Briefly. It's a shit life as a guardian in the world of Final Fantasy X, is what I'm saying.

And the only goddamn time this maniac shows a single sign of stress is when your party is forced to cross a field in which it never stops thundering. Because she's afraid of thunder. In the world of Japanese video game writing, they call this 'character-building.'

Rikku is so energised you could hook her nipples up to a car battery and reverse engineer a hadron collider. Engineers! Don't bother pointing out how little sense that makes. Perverts! Now you know exactly how you're going to die.

Name: Triss Merigold (Definitely NSFW)

Game: The Witcher, The Witcher 2: Assassin's of Kings and 3: The Wild Hunt, apparently.
Shame: Ambivalent.

'Say that again. I ploughing dare you.'

Holding a torch for The Witcher series' Triss Merigold is less embarrassing than usual because she's well characterised. CD Projeckt Red can rightfully call themselves better than Jesus because they created an (ongoing) RPG series about elves, dwarves, kings, dragons and sword-swiping-monster hunting and actually made it novel.

In a similar manner to Miranda, Triss is a badass. Though in this case a witch. She isn't just sexy window-dressing but vital to the driving plot of Assassins of Kings and enough of an independent ass-kicker to not require your babysitting. In an industry full of squawking Ashley Williams begging for help, Triss is hot purely for not being a squealing burden on the player. Also, in case this was getting too progressive for you, titties.

Name: Bayonetta

Game: Bayonetta
Shame: Hairy.

Prospective buyers of Platinum Games's Bayonetta should have been warned at the counter that the game they were buying is certain to contain n-1 masturbation material.

Another, but quite radically different kind of witch to Triss, Bayonetta spends most of her time in her eponymous game fellating gun-barrels, lollies and generally doing her utmost to blue-ball her teen-boy audience. That's only part of the reason I like her.

Sure, she's an utterly one-dimensional character. Boobs and ass in mathematically perfect proportion. But I didn't get to where I am today by taking digital life seriously. That's why I only apply Pokemon logic to my daily life 27% of the time. Bayonetta's entire appeal to me sits squarely on her nose.

Glasses are hot and the sooner the rest of the world catches up to the fact, the sooner I can get my non 20-20 girlfriend to film that sex tape I've been wanting to do ever since Samus's.

Name: Tifa Lockhart
Game: Final Fantasy VII
Shame: Bruising

I will use your testicles as a nightlight.

Tifa might not have the relatability of Rikku or her gregarious spirit, but I'll always love a woman who can kick my arse and not look like a Williams sister after a particularly toxic steroid binge.

Name: Patricia Tannis
Game: Borderlands, Borderlands 2
Shame: Bacon-tastic.

Patricia is introduced immediately to players as a total brainbox. Let's not beat around the, umm, presumably ill-kempt bush; the developers only wrote her in to advance the plot. Smart people always get shafted in video games because they're only called upon to make a hitherto unexplored connection. That totally leads to the final boss's lair! Why hadn't anyone thought of this before! The actually original part of this is, that Patricia Tannis is batshit crazier than everyone else.

There are a small bunch, but a bunch nonetheless of female characters more objectively attractive than Patricia in the Borderlands universe. Lilith, Moxxi, umm, Claptrap? Hell, you could quite safely say that Handsome Jack is more handsome.

He's called that for a reason, you know. Wow. It's almost like you're trying to kiss me, Jack. Just... Just begging for it. Begging for a tast- what was I talking about?

Patricia, or, as I'll call her from now on (and have been for some time), Tannie, is neurotic like you would not fucking believe. Not in a simpering: 'oh goodness! Tush and fi! Who will save us from the tentacles?!' kind of way but in a more direct, mentally maladjusted fashion. Her every interaction with the player is two parts intellectual patronising, one part screaming, boundary-violating craziness and one part come-on.

Honestly? I've never been so confusedly aroused by a fictional character. To say I like my women on the slightly deranged side is like saying R. Kelly likes his to slightly smell of tiger urine. But Tannie is eerily perfect. It's like Gearbox knew exactly what I wanted in a human female: human, female genitalia; MENSA-grade intellect and all the hilarious mental illnesses that the preceding dictates.

I've spent enough time around certified geniuses to know two things. One, I'm not one of them. And two, being grossly above average clever opens a door to the kind of screeching, leather-winged neuroses that I, even in my darkest moments, couldn't hope to empathise with. But seeing Tannie, hopelessly incapable of controlling all those cognitive eruptions, I feel less bad for them. Because they definitely get the kinkiest women.