Samuel Lear: Just The Facts

Samuel Lear is the erstwhile Editor-in-Chief of Redbrick, the University of Birmingham's student newspaper. In return for the stellar work he's done in the past year, I've decided to immortalise him in the only way I know how. No holds barred, Pulitzer-worthy, face-punching journalism! I proudly! But apologetically, present: Samuel Lear's Man-Facts!

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Samuel Lear writes 200-character tweets and Twitter doesn't fucking dare stop him.

Irony cannot define Samuel Lear.

Samuel Lear once got an iPad pregnant because millions of years of evolution weren't looking.

Being editor has a few privileges. Being Samuel Lear has all the privileges. 

Samuel Lear's regal nature actually echoes back through time, inspiring Shakespeare when he was on a really sweet opium trip.

Samuel Lear has a book containing over 2000 personal pick-up lines. But the use of any by anyone not medically classified as Samuel Lear will increase the sale of rape alarms by 400% nationwide.

... ladies.

The sun cannot look directly at Samuel Lear.

Samuel Lear's CV is just a mugshot of himself attached to his Criminal Record. I'd like to see the Editor that doesn't fucking hire him.

Every single time Samuel Lear cracks a joke, the corpse of Bill Hicks shoots its hand up for a high five.

Samuel Lear's headlines are so manly, just reading one will make a woman limp for days.

When you're tired of respecting Samuel Lear, you're tired of not living in constant, agonising pain.

The secrets to true happiness, man's existence and to beating Mike Tyson's Punch Out came to Samuel Lear in a dream. Unfortunately, he forgot them in another dream.

This game was just ludicrously racist. I mean, Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's racist.

Samuel Lear framed Roger Rabbit.

If you're reading this in the dark, Samuel Lear is standing behind you right goddamn now.

Samuel Lear has never once called tech support. His laptop is simply too afraid of him to break.

In 1925, Parliament passed a law preventing Samuel Lear from ever taking part in a game of Trivial Pursuit. Because he always won in like 6 moves, it was just unfair to everyone else.

Samuel Lear sleeps with both eyes and the Guardian open.

Samuel Lear is so sexually charged, his erection can only point towards magnetic north.

Saying Samuel Lear's real name out loud will open a portal t- Christ! I just said it! Why?! Why can't I type in my head?! I can't help loving the sound of my own voice! God forgive me! My hubris has doomed us all!

No 'journalists' were harmed in the writing of this article. Well, not many anyway.