The adventures of the 295 Dawlish residents continue below.
Me: How you feeling mate?
Laura: I'll be honest, I've felt better. Where are we?
Me: Kemble community centre.
Laura: I'm going to assume that's a long way from home. Why is there a someone dressed like a greasy wig looking at me?
M: We're at a Star Wars convention. That guy behind you in the Tonton costume's been staring for some time now. You're probably the only human female he's seen in underwear who wasn't dressed as Harem-Princess Leia. Though you do seem to have a Danish stuck to each ear. I'm guessing that's the only reason you haven't attracted more attention.
L: I've never seen Star Wars. And what the fuck is a Tonton?
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| You know if you google tonton this is the only image? Of course you don't, because you are a worthwhile human being |
M: Just assume everyone in this building is clinically insane.
L: Gottcha. How long have I been here?
M: In Kemble? No idea. I'm equally perplexed as to how you even got here.
L: Me too.
M: But I do know you you've been missing for three days. I was tempted to have you declared legally dead so I could have your bed.
L: Think you have to have been missing a little longer than three days to do that.
M: Hey I've got a lot of swing down at City Hall. What's the last thing you remember?
L: Um, going to a restaurant in Chinatown? Then nothing. You got any ideas? I have a nasty feeling I did something awful.
M: A fully justified feeling as it happens. I have no clue how you managed to get in such a state...
L: Bad MDMA trip.
M: Vitamin C.
L: What?
M: The shit you took. It looked an awful lot like Vitamin C supplements.
L: Oh. Well at least I shouldn't get a cold for the next few days.
M: Anyway, I've got a solid idea of what you actually did.
L: You weren't there, how would you know?
M: It was all over the news.
L: Ah, this isn't going to be good is it?
M: You remember the name of the restaurant you went to? I don't want to accuse you of something just to find out it was another 'screaming coked-up pixie'.
L: That was unnecessary. I think it was called the Blue Lotus.
M: That's from Tintin.
L: Red Dragon?
M: That's Rush Hour 2.
L: Magic Blue Dragon?
M: Oldboy.
L: Fuck you, ah merde it probably was me anyway. Just what did I do then?
M: I'm not sure exactly what you're being charged with, but definitely aggravated assault on the 82-year old mother of the restaurant's owner.
L: Probably because she called me a 'screaming coked-up pixie'.
M: She seems to think otherwise.
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| Not to be fucked with. |
M: Don't know, he's pretty unhygienic isn't he?
L: Not sure this is the time...
M: Like, really, just filthy, all the time.
L: Yeah I really don't want to hear this right now...
M: All I'm saying is if he walks bare-foot on grass the earth around him dies screaming.
L: That's the worst thing you've ever said.
M: I didn't tell you about the security guard yet.
L: Please don't.
M: I've actually got the transcript of his interview on the news with me. I wrote it down because it was the funniest thing I have ever heard and I laughed until I burst a few blood vessels. So, you know, it's nothing personal. You evidently tried to get into a club and the bouncer described you as having, and I quote: 'all the grace of a rapist, the motor skills of a drunk driver, the common sense of a heroin addict and probably the behaviours of all three.
L: Wow. Pretty articulate for a bouncer.
M: I know right?
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| Comic geniuses. |
L: Don't let my impeccable grammar and syntax fool you, I'm still French remember?
M: You certainly do smell of garlic.
What followed was several minutes of expletives in at least three languages that I could make out. I didn't really feel it was worth transcribing all of them. C3PO looked like he was about to have a coronary.
L: ...and zee other 'amburger will also be made of your muzzer's lung.
M: Let's just go home.
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